motherhood

I have been a mother for 24 years. Seeing it typed up in front of me, it doesn't seem that it's been that long. I do hope to be a mother for much much longer, and later on, hope to be a grandmother when the right time comes, of course.

Motherhood, wow, I still wonder how I've managed, how I'm managing. When I fell pregnant with my first child, I felt so much joy, so much love, etc etc etc. But what I did not expect was being out of control. And sure enough, from the time that they're conceived, they control us. They control our thoughts, our feelings, they control us physically. Twenty four years and another three kids later, I am still flabbergasted at this amount of control they have over us.

I loved helping my two oldest kids with school work. With my third child in grade three, the fourth to enter kindy next year, I still love it. Helping them with homework, preparing them for school, getting them organised, covering their books, all this I can control. Teaching  the oldest kids how to wash and fold their clothes, how to drive, set-up their bank accounts, resumes, yes, these I can do. What I seem to be having problems with is watching them become adults.

I cried and cried, when the two eldest moved out. Yeah yeah yeah. It was being out of control again. I've seen it played out in TV series, movies, books, I forget that I, did the exact same thing to my own parents. But hey, this is all about me and motherhood. And I am starting to think that it will never ever get easier. The out of control thing doesn't ever go away, not really. Whether it's their first day in school, their first performance, first hockey game, it's the same feeling over and over again. The intensity of this helpless feeling doesn't lessen. With kids between ages 24 and 4, I am getting the end of both scale. Anything to do with the younger kids, seems a little bit easier. Note, I said a little bit easier. Thank goodness, as it is now a different ballgame with the older two.

Adulthood. It's relationship time for both them. Seeing them fall in and out of love with different people, changes in their career, seeing their hurts, their mistakes, my God it's torture. But whatever the future holds for them, I have accepted, is out of my control. I can't help feeling scared for them, that I can't shelter them from the unknown. So, I've accepted that whatever that comes their way, I will just be there.

I will try and think no further than the present. I will quash this feeling of dread I often  feel when I think of what might be, and let their fate take it's course. I will simply, let go. I love my kids, I love my family, I do not have any regrets in my life.

songs

Meshell Ndegeocello. There are times when a song brings back everything from the past. this is one of them. exposed to me by someone special, my soulmate. It was during this time in my life when everything felt raw. A mother with two kids, disillusioned by love, marriage, and partnership. Through songs like this I found my voice, soothe my hurt, found that in time hurts pass, we prevail.

You push me away bitterly
My apologies fall on your deaf ears
You curse my name bitterly
And now your eyes they look at me bitterly

I stand ashamed amidst my foolish pride
‘Cause for us there’ll be no more
For us there’ll be no more
And now my eyes look at you bitterly
Bitterly bitterly

nanushka

A solitary seagull
rides home
on a shaft of golden sun -
our beautiful day
is melting into dusk -
pink clouds
fade back to sombre grey
and your dear face
is touched with gold -
why should we mourn
the passing of our day
because we know
the night
belongs to us -

1975

Port Moresby. My father had left a year earlier for contract work as a refrigeration/air condition mechanic at Papua New Guineas capital city. I remember holding onto to him so tight at the airport, the feeling of dread, not knowing when I'd see him again. Someone took a photo of us, my arms around him, his arm around my shoulders looking down at me. I had my eyes closed I didn't want him to see how hard this was for me as I knew that it would be harder for him, leaving his family off to an unknown place all alone. But to this day, I can still remember how I felt.

So, 1975, after he had settled down, he sent for us, I don't know why but for some reason he couldn't bring all of us over at the same time. Mom, Nona and Noel went first, Nancy and I were left for what seemed like forever, then we followed. I remember being scared on the flight, but I was also extremely excited. Not only were we travelling on our own, but our flight also had a stopover in Hong Kong, our very first plane ride. The stewardess were so nice, they looked after us, the captain even asked us to go visit the cockpit. Needless to say we were totally entertained, not wanting the flight to end, by the time we landed Nancy and I were convinced we were going to be a stewardess, travelling the world.

I don't remember the family reunion very well, I can only assume that we were happy to be together again. What I do remember was seeing a New Guinean for the first time. They looked fierce, scary. But as long as I had my family by my side I knew I was safe. Oh, then there was the very first time I opened the fridge! It was chucka block full of lollies, candies, and ooooooohhh chocolates. Sneakers, Mars Bars, M&Ms, Chokitos, you name it we had it. I look back now and realise that my parents did the very best they could for their family. Sacrificed a lot just so we could be given the chance at a better life. I was 10 years old and knew that our move to Port Moresby is a start to a great family adventure.

why blog?

Reading my colleague's blog (yes you know who you are), inspired me into starting one for myself. Like her I'm a newbie and don't actually know how to go about blogging. My husband always say, that a conversation with me, be it verbal, on email, or letter, is like a ping-pong ball bouncing endlessly from wall to wall. So be forewarned, my blog will be discorded, lacking structure and well, just a bloody mess of words.

It will be about me, and family...

In each family a story is playing itself out, and each family's story embodies its hope and despair.

- Auguste Napier