motherhood

I have been a mother for 24 years. Seeing it typed up in front of me, it doesn't seem that it's been that long. I do hope to be a mother for much much longer, and later on, hope to be a grandmother when the right time comes, of course.

Motherhood, wow, I still wonder how I've managed, how I'm managing. When I fell pregnant with my first child, I felt so much joy, so much love, etc etc etc. But what I did not expect was being out of control. And sure enough, from the time that they're conceived, they control us. They control our thoughts, our feelings, they control us physically. Twenty four years and another three kids later, I am still flabbergasted at this amount of control they have over us.

I loved helping my two oldest kids with school work. With my third child in grade three, the fourth to enter kindy next year, I still love it. Helping them with homework, preparing them for school, getting them organised, covering their books, all this I can control. Teaching  the oldest kids how to wash and fold their clothes, how to drive, set-up their bank accounts, resumes, yes, these I can do. What I seem to be having problems with is watching them become adults.

I cried and cried, when the two eldest moved out. Yeah yeah yeah. It was being out of control again. I've seen it played out in TV series, movies, books, I forget that I, did the exact same thing to my own parents. But hey, this is all about me and motherhood. And I am starting to think that it will never ever get easier. The out of control thing doesn't ever go away, not really. Whether it's their first day in school, their first performance, first hockey game, it's the same feeling over and over again. The intensity of this helpless feeling doesn't lessen. With kids between ages 24 and 4, I am getting the end of both scale. Anything to do with the younger kids, seems a little bit easier. Note, I said a little bit easier. Thank goodness, as it is now a different ballgame with the older two.

Adulthood. It's relationship time for both them. Seeing them fall in and out of love with different people, changes in their career, seeing their hurts, their mistakes, my God it's torture. But whatever the future holds for them, I have accepted, is out of my control. I can't help feeling scared for them, that I can't shelter them from the unknown. So, I've accepted that whatever that comes their way, I will just be there.

I will try and think no further than the present. I will quash this feeling of dread I often  feel when I think of what might be, and let their fate take it's course. I will simply, let go. I love my kids, I love my family, I do not have any regrets in my life.